"Nature vs. Nurture" Isn't a Thing

Nature versus nurture isn’t a thing. They come wired. It’s not that nurture doesn’t matter; it certainly does, but we can’t change nature. Those little beings that we give birth to, or adopt, are who they are. Let me explain.

When my eldest was an infant, and for the first 2 years of her life, I was certain that I was a fantastic mother and that her sweet demeanor, amazing sleep schedule, and on track motor development reflected that. This belief became even stronger when my son was born. I toted him along to all of my daughter’s activities - he loved being held while she played and he often slept in his car seat/stroller at nap time. MY parenting caused them to be happy, easy kids who took daily naps and had been sleeping through the night since each of them was 4 months old. I was rocking this parenting thing - all those years babysitting, being a camp counselor, and studying to be a psychologist were paying off.  

And then my son turned 2½. 

Here’s the thing. Just after my son was born, it was clear that he was a different baby than his sister. Both were easy, but in different ways. But as they grew older and their little beings matured, it became impossible to believe that I was responsible for their very different trajectories. She remained easy...did what was expected, followed rules, played well with others, smiled for photos, etc. He was another story...fabulous motor development, astounding sleeper (4 hour naps until kindergarten!), refused to be in photos, and had epic meltdowns - at home, at preschool, and in public places. I soothed, set limits, consulted (and argued) with experts, developed and implemented behavior plans...and cried. How could this be?

I have come to understand that our children come to us with their own unique make-ups. It is clear that neglect, trauma, and all forms of abuse can constrict and damage a child’s development. What is also now clear to me is that adequate, good enough, and even great parenting do not guarantee that your child(ren) will always follow the rules, demonstrate respect toward others (even teachers and loving grandparents!), earn high grades, or otherwise refrain from embarrassing you in public. While it’s tempting, taking credit for your child(ren)’s good/great/amazing behavior is ill advised. If you do, that also means that you are responsible for the tantrums/mistakes/errors in judgement that are sure to come along. 

Parenting is important - we are given the opportunity and awesome responsibility of guiding helpless little beings as they grow and develop into (hopefully) their own best selves. To do so, we must recognize each as an individual and foster their growth based on their own unique strengths and needs. But no matter how well we do that, some kids will always be harder to raise than others and even with the extra time, effort, love, and firmly held boundaries, it will occasionally (or more frequently) be a nightmare.

You see, having spent 23 years in school so I could become a Psychologist, followed by 19 years as the mother of 3 VERY different kids, I now know that “nature versus nurture” isn’t a thing.